My Blog!
January, (more months to come)
The good with going out with your family is that the budget gets a little larger, and the food better. That was the highpoint for me, it's worth the stress of being enclausurated with the same beings.
We went to the beach, and it felt good getting that tan and ocasionnaly diving in the water. Despite my initial fears, my newly launched boobs weren't stared at — they were tiny enough. The reason why took the risk is one, I don't wanna buy a bikini that won't fit me later, and two, people would indeed stare if seemingly a man wore such a thing. I apreaciatte geting a tan over them.
First we made a stop at the Praia do Amor (Love Beach) and then the final destination, João Pessoa. My parents were flirting with moving there, and it would be great, the lack of traffic would hopeffuly make them go out more.
I only went to one museum — how shocking! It was the Museu de Artesanato Paraibano (Paraiban? Crafts Museum) and it was awesome. It wasn't overblown with text while also not lacking context, I will show pictures of some cool stuff in there.
Unrelated to the topic at hand but I privated the DID post. I really don't want it to seem like I'm equaling the disorder to my personal experience, because I could never truly understand how that must feel. I will run it through my therapist because I think its important for me, so I want something of that in here.
There may be a higher force after all.
I developed a recent adoration for jeans. I just feel more grounded in reality wearing them, I stomp on the ground firmly as a cowboy. (Also felt as if I was participating on the trashy Bob Dylan movie I just watched, on that fake country world.)
I was wearing the standard type when I first kissed, shy as I was, and he was wearing the baggy type, as if floating a bit from the reality I was used to (the smoke surrounding helped form that picture). I came in so unsuspicious of his hangout invitation, the spot he picked and the way he looked at me should have lead me right on that it was to be a casual date. Even though I was a supposed progressive at the time, the suggestion he posed on me really threw me off, at first I even rejected kissing him (I never considered kissing anybody)! But then I changed my mind. I was fixed trembling on the ground as he hovered over me, but it was fine anyway despite the nerves.
Everybody I hear from seems to be embarassed by their first kiss, but I mostly have a fond memory, the only regretful part being disappearing afterwards from his life, never calling him again. After the moment was over, I felt unnatural for kissing not only a man, but a friend (that's totally fine by the way, I still have some homophobia that I need to drag off my head).
I definittely wanna kiss someone again.
Everybody should play Summoned (on the BitsyBrowser on baz’s PC).
While scrolling Youtube (as one does) I happen on a lot of content. But in the middle of that, I find videos that are genuine and well researched (or just cool somehow). I wanna quickly gush over the month’s finds.
Collabs have been directing me to many nice spots on the site. On Hazel’s video Some Weird Old Video Game & Anime Fansites she appears with a story of one of her many experiences with bootleg cartridges, common with her (Thor’s) channel’s theme of getting deep into the gaming trenches, exploring forgotten and obsure games. The will to play japan only games by guides and Google Translate is outstanding. Also the overblown graphics are really charming.
She may be behind the FNAF plushie series, but there are many other cool videos under her belt! YoutubePoops are a dying breed, but she’s at it still, mostly on her second channel.
What draws me in the most is her comedic timing, especially with her mainstate character, The Brainiac. (And her cute drawings of course!)
He tells some fun stories, many even outside the web, in contrast with the many Cybershel likes I watch. I really enjoy the history insertions, especially because it creates a proper basis for understanding the juicy parts. Sometimes I can’t tell how to fact check what he is saying, especially in his videos about China at which he pulls his personal staying there. Regardless, it’s entertaining to watch and I really enjoy the topics, as random as they may seem (it just works with the rest).
Now I think houses are cool — aand I like history lessons.
Yume Nikki is what took over my mind, but I poked around at other stuff, mainly Super Mokey Ball. What a brilliant game! Level design brings so many possibilities, and I finally found a game that both me and my brother enjoy. He will look at me, say Monkey Target and my PC will be ready to action — I don't get lazy with such suggestion. He loves GonGon due to his weird expression and sound (which is so muted, it feels like he's dying, adds to the fun)
Another one I've been hitting with is Mario Kart Double Dash, which is surprisingly hard! I was the queen of Mario Kart 8 with my friends, despite not owning the game, but today I've grinded for 2 hours the star cup in 100C, but couldn't get past a bronze. But that ain't a complaint, the Mario Kart Luck is barely present, my skills that need to improve (and will). It took me some getting used to the character exchange, but that part is down now.
How great it is to have a laptop that can take on some emulation!
This game really tackled my brain left to right, I've never changed my playstyle before midway through a game. Just walking around aimlessly and stabbing people not only was not satisfying but felt super isolating. Thus I started trying to memorize how levels worked so I could find again the deeper areas, after learning that there are double the amount of effects I thought.
But not only in gameplay, but the end got me by surprise. I should have seen it coming, Madotsuki always begins her dreams at the porch (I think that's the translation for varanda?). But the reason for her suicide is what stuck in my head. Initially I thought reliving her life, the good and the bad, overwhelmed a already clearly anxious person, who only plays one game, sleeps and never leaves her room. I also thought she had autism, but that's just me projecting as usual, the common speculation of abuse makes way more sense for her social behavior (and the dream knife!).
The common interpretation, which actually makes way more sense than what I initially pictured, is that she got to the edge of her dreams, and then felt empty. Feeling empty is way worse than sadness, so she just locks her memories in those eggs and take the jump for it. It's been so long since I felt such thing, that being underwhelmed like that didn't show up in my head on initial thought.
A reason for me staying alive is the fear of disapoiting or making my parents sad. That's not a sustainable way to get someone out of the edge, but that's what was on my mind (nobody noticed anything at that time, despite me trying to show it subtly). Madotsuki doesn't even have that. The possibility of sleeping seemingly infinite realitys was what was keeping her in the world, and by the end that was gone — there was no outside stimuly to keep that going.
I couldn't make my thoughts on the game concise, I think there are multiple stories here (now it's the 25th and I just hid a paragraph I felt was redundant). So on another (less serious) topic, I really vibe with the ideal vs the imagined self thing that NitroRad pulled in his video of the game. I straight up drew representations of myself in these separete manners when I was a kid (I barely draw anything nowadays). He also talked about body dismorphia in general relating to this, the fat effect, the gore, the monsters and bathrooms. Hell, she maybe didn't even feel comfortable walking, if that multi jumbled mess static of the girl is anything to go off. I highly recommend watching his video on the game, he manages to look at things in a lighter tone overall without being tone deaf, it's very refreshing.
Happy New years hipotethical readers! Great expectations for this one for once, but time is continuous so it's gonna part off from the 2025 basis. Indicating the parental relation from the two years my country is kicking off with another metanol crisis, now in the state of Bahia. Hoping here for the best and we are more prepared now with antidotes, which the state has already been given from the Public Ministry, so things should get better.
My parents residence has been lovely given the name of Monster House, cause a third of the machinery there broke at some point last year, and the inhabitants got bruises from various sources. But hey, four days in and only a shard from the chandelier split, and my father even managed to glue it together so it's as if nothing ever happened!
I'm wondering if I should continue my guitar lessons. I honestly gave it a good, year long shot, so I'd leave it without any regrets. I enjoy them actually, the things holding me back are just money conciousness (cause we're on a razor thin budget surprisingly) and my lack of will to train at home, which slows down my growth as a player. But learning the play styles, music theory and to hold concentration on the beat have been a real joy, even if at times I'm too tired to profit of the classes (design school does that to you).
I really wish I had something to say about the 36th Bienal de Arte, but I've got nothing, despite pratically living there. One thing I have of note is that what makes me go to art exhibits that much is the quietness of those places, and the fact I can get distracted thinking about the artwork that I generally don't understand. It's not like I'm super touched, I just find it autism friendly. So countering all expectations the Bienal turned out to be one of the noisiest places I frequent. Maybe at this point I actually like going to art exhibits, cause that shit definitely ain't autism friendly, despite the sensory rooms, at which some guy expelled two couples from cause they didn't look autistic enough. The old couple admited to just wanting a resting place, but this felt very unwelcoming so I left.
Almost called this Bloggy Style as a homage to Snoop Dog, but then I remembered the meaning and felt cringe.
Managed to drag all the AI stuff off Chrome (with the exception of AI mode, but I can just ignore that one), sacrifices were made, like the similar asked questions, which were useful until last year, but man is it smooth now! I’ve been making the most of the PC's config and accessibility options, now I found new territory to tinker with.
This past year I reawakened the love for technology, despite the hatred I had for recent endeavors. One of my earliest memories was as a 12 year old learning what the roaming folder did on Windows cause I wanted to make mods work on Minecraft. Always ended up spending more time doing that then playing the damm things, my concept of fun was skewed!
At some point I stopped ranting to my parents about Windows folders and passed on to Pokemon (friend's influence) and Sonic The Hedgehog (special interest).
I'm at my 20’s now as of october. Both my Dylan and Danganronpa phases behind, I'm left with an almost calm brain, but it’s quite boring as a matter of fact. I yearn to rip into something and devour it until i fell like puking, there would be no other adequate way to go about it.
Your reward for reaching the edge of my never ending rants: the nonsense page