Ranting session! (blog)

Regardless if I want it or not, the mind divisions stayed. I feel terrible, because it has been almost three months of this, but the psychiatrist says it's just anxiety, and he may be right.

But it sucks living like this, despite me liking my headmates for the most part.

It just shouldn't be that way... Cora is learning JS, so this site may go through changes as we learn. At least there's little to no amnesia. She's making album reviews on what may or may not turn into a new section here.

Girlwonderlost writer strucking at my heartstring here: 7 days on high

I'm not posting the image with the poem so you will go to her site instead '^'

This album feels so long, but that ain't necessarily bad. The songs are great and varied, Stevie's voice is incredible in Sisters of the Moon and Angel and Lindsey Buckingham sounds wild and dangerous. The use of synths, crunchy electric guitar and his vocal delivery are everything Law and Order wanted to be, even if less paranoid, which is strange for being an album beforehand.

The mix takes the cake. Over & Over, the album's opening has a beautiful sound with the raw guitar and punchy drums, combined with actually smooth keys. It doesn't sound like something that should work, but is perfectly natural when listening.

I talked shit at Law and Order, but it's like Extra Texture for me because something in there reaches out for me, against my will. It sounds like a tired human, so of course it attracts me (#1 Blonde on Blonde fan).

I will make a review on The Blue Horizon Sessions, because Christine Perfect needs some love, though she doesn't stand out here.

I've been struggling with seeing myself as more than one person, somehow? It's very confusing and I lose all my energy from thinking and living the day to day, which souldn't be trouble normally, as it wasn't.

It would be me, Lili, the other fronting woman Ceci, the ungrounded Cora and Julia, who I still can't wrap my head around. It all feels very real, even as I lay it down, but I constantly see myself on the cycle of feeling like it's completely fake and I already got over it, to being in too deep in this with no escape possible.

And the songbirds are singing
Like they know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before

And I wish you all the love in the world
But most of all, I wish it from myself

Thank god for caldo de batata

I like the fresh wind, that comes right before the rain. I like boots, that give me power on the times of need. On the same vein I want thicker legs so that I look less wide on top and have even more visual confidence.

I like my dogs and like watching "My Cat From Hell", where you hope the cats do better and see that come to fruition. Hooray for cats, hooray for Jackson Galaxy and for shitty TLC shows but not all shitty TLC shows cause some are just nasty and prejudiced and whatever.

I like my mother and my father. I like my brothers and people I talk to in college. I LIKE YOU READER LET'S BE FRIENDS MUAHAHAHA!!

This month my head was too caotic for me to express here, and I came back from vacation, so I haven't posted anything. BUT I did some layout rennovation which will soon be seen!

Here's a playlist with one video from each:

• Abigail Devoe

Abigail's writing just keeps getting better. She mixes open interpretation of the tracks with contextual ones. And oh does she search to find that context, she makes a cobweb with reviews of the time, news coverage and biographers and it gives great death to the first half of her videos.

And a repeating theme here is that I will aways click on videos were people rock good outfits, and she does it every time.

• Patricia Taxxon

Her channel is indescribable. It has music, video essays and YoutubePoops, the last two with quite the range of topics too.

She also has a second channel, Puppyhelic Triangle, for 5-10 minute rants, which is an atractive length.

Also maybe I get being a furry now, I don't know... • .•̀

• SillyPau

I don't know how to feel about this channel. There's joy to be had with everything she acomplishes and the more silly stories, but we linger in some dark places for quite a while.

I really admire that she takes the time to inspire people by sharing such personal stuff. By inspire I don't mean necessarily the deepest stuff all the time. If you can bring some laughs or whimsy in someones life you're already bringing them some inspiration.

To end it, she deserves all the love in the world and I love her sprites (there's a bunch of differents art styles she assumes on the videos).

• Cecilily

Wow, another brazilian transfem pokemon fan who writes stuff in English, named Cecília! I only discovered her channel after choosing my name, so she hasn't influenced that. But she did make me like Pokémon more.

Her channel is great for its essays (love the new megas analysis and the marxist ones) and gameplay videos, which are very lighthearted fun! Also, her fashion sense is stellar.

I don't have much to say, she's just cool.

The good with going out with your family is that the budget gets a little larger, and the food better. That was the highpoint for me, it's worth the stress of being enclausurated with the same beings.

We went to the beach, and it felt good getting that tan and ocasionnaly diving in the water. Despite my initial fears, my newly launched boobs weren't stared at — they were tiny enough. The reason why took the risk is one, I don't wanna buy a bikini that won't fit me later, and two, people would indeed stare if seemingly a man wore such a thing. I apreaciatte geting a tan over them.

First we made a stop at the Praia do Amor (Love Beach) and then the final destination, João Pessoa. My parents were flirting with moving there, and it would be great, the lack of traffic would hopeffuly make them go out more.

I only went to one museum — how shocking! It was the Museu de Artesanato Paraibano (Paraiban? Crafts Museum) and it was awesome. It wasn't overblown with text while also not lacking context, I will show pictures of some cool stuff in there.

There may be a higher force after all.

I developed a recent adoration for jeans. I just feel more grounded in reality wearing them, I stomp on the ground firmly as a cowboy. (Also felt as if I was participating on the trashy Bob Dylan movie I just watched, on that fake country world.)

I was wearing the standard type when I first kissed, shy as I was, and he was wearing the baggy type, as if floating a bit from the reality I was used to (the smoke surrounding helped form that picture). I came in so unsuspicious of his hangout invitation, the spot he picked and the way he looked at me should have lead me right on that it was to be a casual date. Even though I was a supposed progressive at the time, the suggestion he posed on me really threw me off, at first I even rejected kissing him (I never considered kissing anybody)! But then I changed my mind. I was fixed trembling on the ground as he hovered over me, but it was fine anyway despite the nerves.

Everybody I hear from seems to be embarassed by their first kiss, but I mostly have a fond memory, the only regretful part being disappearing afterwards from his life, never calling him again. After the moment was over, I felt unnatural for kissing not only a man, but a friend (that's totally fine by the way, I still have some homophobia that I need to drag off my head).

I definittely wanna kiss someone again.

Everybody should play Summoned (on the BitsyBrowser on baz’s PC).

While scrolling Youtube (as one does) I happen on a lot of content. But in the middle of that, I find videos that are genuine and well researched (or just cool somehow). I wanna quickly gush over the month’s finds.

Here's a playlist with one video from each:

• ThorHighHeels

Collabs have been directing me to many nice spots on the site. On Hazel’s video Some Weird Old Video Game & Anime Fansites she appears with a story of one of her many experiences with bootleg cartridges, common with her (Thor’s) channel’s theme of getting deep into the gaming trenches, exploring forgotten and obsure games. The will to play japan only games by guides and Google Translate is outstanding. Also the overblown graphics are really charming.



• Ty Bizabizow

She may be behind the FNAF plushie series, but there are many other cool videos under her belt! YoutubePoops are a dying breed, but she’s at it still, mostly on her second channel.

What draws me in the most is her comedic timing, especially with her mainstate character, The Brainiac. (And her cute drawings of course!)



• Tor’s Cabinet of Curiosities

He tells some fun stories, many even outside the web, in contrast with the many Cybershel likes I watch. I really enjoy the history insertions, especially because it creates a proper basis for understanding the juicy parts. Sometimes I can’t tell how to fact check what he is saying, especially in his videos about China at which he pulls his personal staying there. Regardless, it’s entertaining to watch and I really enjoy the topics, as random as they may seem (it just works with the rest).



• Kendra Gaylord

Now I think houses are cool — aand I like history lessons.

Yume Nikki is what took over my mind, but I poked around at other stuff, mainly Super Mokey Ball. What a brilliant game! Level design brings so many possibilities, and I finally found a game that both me and my brother enjoy. He will look at me, say Monkey Target and my PC will be ready to action — I don't get lazy with such suggestion. He loves GonGon due to his weird expression and sound (which is so muted, it feels like he's dying, adds to the fun)

Another one I've been hitting with is Mario Kart Double Dash, which is surprisingly hard! I was the queen of Mario Kart 8 with my friends, despite not owning the game, but today I've grinded for 2 hours the star cup in 100C, but couldn't get past a bronze. But that ain't a complaint, the Mario Kart Luck is barely present, my skills that need to improve (and will). It took me some getting used to the character exchange, but that part is down now.

How great it is to have a laptop that can take on some emulation!

This game really tackled my brain left to right, I've never changed my playstyle before midway through a game. Just walking around aimlessly and stabbing people not only was not satisfying but felt super isolating. Thus I started trying to memorize how levels worked so I could find again the deeper areas, after learning that there are double the amount of effects I thought.

But not only in gameplay, but the end got me by surprise. I should have seen it coming, Madotsuki always begins her dreams at the porch (I think that's the translation for varanda?). But the reason for her suicide is what stuck in my head. Initially I thought reliving her life, the good and the bad, overwhelmed a already clearly anxious person, who only plays one game, sleeps and never leaves her room. I also thought she had autism, but that's just me projecting as usual, the common speculation of abuse makes way more sense for her social behavior (and the dream knife!).

The common interpretation, which actually makes way more sense than what I initially pictured, is that she got to the edge of her dreams, and then felt empty. Feeling empty is way worse than sadness, so she just locks her memories in those eggs and take the jump for it. Hearing this made me remember that sensation, though tankfully I'm not living a depressive episode everyday anymore.

A reason for me staying alive is the fear of disapoiting or making my parents sad. That's not a sustainable way to get someone out of the edge, but that's what was on my mind (nobody noticed anything at that time, despite me trying to show it subtly). Madotsuki doesn't even have that. The possibility of sleeping seemingly infinite realitys was what was keeping her in the world, and by the end that was gone — there was no outside stimuly to keep that going.

I tend to not care for piecing together lore in abstract media because I think it loses the point, but in here I think there are interesting interpretations. The hands all over the place indicates sexual abuse to many, but I feel like it could be due to not wanting hugs or any proximity after a traumatic experience, or maybe that way of comfort is just not ideal. I believe in the latter because of the limbs world, where there are legs of her stature, moving mouts and eyes. It may just be a little much to absorve at once (there goes the projection again...), especially when you ain't doing too well. Thus she locks herself in a comfy room, but as she stays in bed the depression gets worse.

I couldn't make my thoughts on the game concise, I think there are multiple stories here. So on another topic, I really vibe with the ideal vs the imagined self thing that NitroRad pulled in his video of the game. I straight up drew representations of myself in these separete manners when I was a kid (I barely draw anything nowadays). He also talked about body dismorphia in general relating to this, the fat effect, the gore, the monsters and bathrooms. Hell, she maybe didn't even feel comfortable walking, if that multi jumbled mess static of the girl is anything to go off. I highly recommend watching his video on the game, he manages to look at things in a lighter tone overall without being tone death, it's very refreshing.

Happy New years hipotethical readers! Great expectations for this one for once, but time is continuous so it's gonna part off from the 2025 basis. Indicating the parental relation from the two years my country is kicking off with another metanol crisis, now in the state of Bahia. Hoping here for the best and we are more prepared now with antidotes, which the state has already been given from the Public Ministry, so things should get better.

My parents residence has been lovely given the name of Monster House, cause a third of the machinery there broke at some point last year, and the inhabitants got bruises from various sources. But hey, four days in and only a shard from the chandelier split, and my father even managed to glue it together so it's as if nothing ever happened!

I'm wondering if I should continue my guitar lessons. I honestly gave it a good, year long shot, so I'd leave it without any regrets. I enjoy them actually, the things holding me back are just money conciousness (cause we're on a razor thin budget surprisingly) and my lack of will to train at home, which slows down my growth as a player. But learning the play styles, music theory and to hold concentration on the beat have been a real joy, even if at times I'm too tired to profit of the classes (design school does that to you).

I really wish I had something to say about the 36th Bienal de Arte, but I've got nothing, despite pratically living there. One thing I have of note is that what makes me go to art exhibits that much is the quietness of those places, and the fact I can get distracted thinking about the artwork that I generally don't understand. It's not like I'm super touched, I just find it autism friendly. So countering all expectations the Bienal turned out to be one of the noisiest places I frequent. Maybe at this point I actually like going to art exhibits, cause that shit definitely ain't autism friendly, despite the sensory rooms, at which some guy expelled two couples from cause they didn't look autistic enough. The old couple admited to just wanting a resting place, but this felt very unwelcoming so I left.